I Ain't Got Nothin'. So I Ain't Got Nothin' To Lose.

I put my musicals on shuffle, went through some John & Jen, Millie and JRB, and finally settled on Into the Woods to listen to while I write this blog. Cinderella is on my dream roles list. And since this post is about theatre, Sondheim and Lapine feel like a perfect fit.

Right, so. Life is pretty interesting right now, and I feel like I'm on the edge of a significant turning point. I've got some choices to make. To quickly update:

I'm back at Ty's house in Cali (all of my belongings are scattered across his living room mocking me). Orange County feels...empty. It's not home and hasn't been since I graduated two years ago. And I know if I stay here I'll settle in every way and be unhappy.

Kooza finished two weeks ago. Although I really do believe I made a mistake not continuing to Seattle and miss the friends I've made dearly, I've accepted the choice I made. And I think if something leaves you feeling so sad and hurt to let it go, it means you've done something worth experiencing. 

And lastly, I pushed my plane ticket to London back to the middle of July.

And you think of all of the things you've seen, and you wish that you could live in between..

So, choices. In the midst of everything, the traveling and the circus and the grad school decision and the New York move and the citizenship application and the million other things going on, I keep coming back to what all of it is for. What I went to UCI for. What I've been doing all through school when I was growing up and felt shy or worried or upset or scared and needed something to let me express myself and let go and be myself. And my whole life, that's been theatre. 

There's something about being on stage and singing your guts out that feels like nothing else I've ever experienced in my life.  It's thrilling, terrifying, challenging, devastating, motivating, enthralling.

Sure, auditions can make you feel like your heart is coming up into your throat and your pulse is racing a mile a minute...but if you never do something that makes you feel that way, maybe you've never taken a risk and gone for something worth losing. There's nothing in the world I love to do more. 

The stage got me out of my shell in high school. When I felt like I didn't fit anywhere, I knew that at the end of 7th period I'd be walking into the auditorium for a four hour rehearsal with scripts and music and choreography and a cast full of people who felt the same way.

If you know what you want then you go and you find it...

And this is why I don't know if I can go to grad school this year. The literature and the theory comes easy to me. It's hard work, obviously it's hard work, but my mind is wired for it. And I've certainly done my share of tech work and dresser jobs. But I trained to be an actor. I love every part of theatre (I take that back: every part except costumes), and I'll be happy my whole life working in theatre in any way, shape or form. I haven't for certain ruled out the possibility of the MA programme, and if anything I would probably defer it for a year.

But I know what I want. I trained to be on stage. And it's why I think I need to go to New York this year. I need to take that jump. I will never, ever forgive myself if I don't. I've had 6 months of traveling with a group of people who have worked so hard to get where they are with Cirque and to follow their passion. And now it's done and I'm here in Orange County about to take the next step. I need to update my book and brush up on my monologues and all of the other fun things that this job entails. I have nothing holding me here and nothing holding me back. I'll never be more free than this moment.

I'm 25. I have a BA in Drama. 

I ain't got nothin'. So I ain't got nothin to lose.

Our last day of class at UCI. Classical monologue awesomeness.

  Being Shakespearean. 

Oliver!

 Our Speech for Theatre class. Shakra Awesomeness.

 Those Were the Days

 

 Godspell

Cinderella

Dance Show: West Side Story

 

 On My Way

 ( A really long story...)

-Kate