A Birthday, a Break Up and a Breakthrough

I had my 25th birthday, got broken up with and got my permanent green card in the same week. Three days, to be exact. And I haven't processed any of it.

This has been one of the craziest Christmases I've ever had. And believe me, that's saying something. So, I'll break it down while I play some reggae and relax :)

The Birthday.

The 25th birthday is a fickle mistress and one hell of an experience. I've been writing a whole separate journal about this but it probably won't end up on here. Truth be told, I was dreading turning 25, mainly because I'm not where I thought I would be by now. But I had a great birthday. We went to Durty Nelly's - which resulted in me having one of the worst hangovers I've ever had and not remembering most of Sunday, which is exactly as it should be. Nothing like a hangover to make you realize you can't shake off your alcohol like you're 20 anymore. There was a lot of beer, a lot of shots and a little kareoke, which I'd never done before and was very glad to be drunk for. All in all, I had an awesome time and am very thankful to Lindsay, Michael, Emily and Johnson for making it so!

The Break Up.

This sucked. We're on good terms but let me tell you, probably one of the prickliest, slap-in-the-face break ups I've ever been on the receiving end of. Especially when you've been friends for a while. Ah, well. Shit happens, right? Who knows what's gonna happen next.

The Breakthrough.

I feel like I can finally, for the first time, start my life. The life that I put on hold in 2001 when we applied for my family's green card and it all fell apart. That got put on hold again in 2005 when I watched my whole family get on a plane with nothing and I stayed to finish college. That in August of this year I thought was going to be over for good and that I would have to pick up the pieces of on the other side of the Atlantic.

And instead, I've become a whole person. In three weeks time I'll have lived here for 13 years: exactly half of my life. And people can think or assume or say whatever they want, but I feel just as much of an American as I do an Englishwoman. It's not something I voice very often, but it's true. And I'm thanking God right now that He's given me the freedom to live my life wherever I choose. And I'm proud to consider myself both English and American, because I wouldn't be who I am without both. And so I can wear flip flops in December and root for the Angels and go to IHOP at 2am simply because it's open, and I can drink beer at room temperature and understand the Londoner-Northerner divide and still feel gutted about Euro '96, and it's all part of me.

Most people don't know why this application was such a big deal and thought that I was stressing out unnecessarily and just being dramatic and negative. But the truth is, there are few times in my life I ever remember feeling as terrified as I was when I opened that letter from the INS. I can't explain how it feels to hold an envelope that holds a letter that literally decides the outcome of your life. And I honestly thought my life here was over. I was having nightmares on a nightly basis where immigration showed up on my doorstep and told me to pack a suitcase. I'd be at work and feel like I was about to have a panic attack from the pressure. I'd go through the day feeling like I was suffocating in my own body. In short, I literally went through a grieving process for the life and the friends and the places that I'd experienced and the things that I would never get to do.

And then I got the letter, and it's changed everything. And I'm thanking God for reminding me to trust Him when I can't get through something on my own.

My roommate ran into my room and took a photo to immortalize the moment:



And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what relief looks like.

And so here's to 2010 and all of the possibilities that it holds.

And now, a few drunken birthday pictures and a self-made Christmas cookie that is sure to be the angriest Christmas cookie you have ever seen.

-KP